I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
