Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
