this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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