meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
