dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
