Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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