Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
