I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
