true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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