My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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