my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
