my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
