Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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