New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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