the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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