mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
