I got chris browned last night
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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