when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
