The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
