Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
