so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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