so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
