My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We're not piercing ourselves today.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
