I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
