I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
