just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
