That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
