I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
