literally had 100 drinks last night.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
True strength comes from lack of pants
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
