I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i barfeds in our rink
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
