bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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