is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
