im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
