He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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