I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
