@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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