How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
