once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
