you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
