I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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