Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
