I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
