hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
