everyone is single if you try hard enough
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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