Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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