I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
