There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
