i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
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the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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