rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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