So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think a kid would responsible me up
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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