i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
