You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
