Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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