Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
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What is this nonsense on the table
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
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I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night