ADVERTISEMENT

• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Since when do you wear a bracelet?

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs

  Fav 11 6019 1010

  share tweet
  

• (612): View more from Minnesota

  My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.

  Fav 22 4323 1307

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (860): View more from Connecticut

  I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.

  Fav 11 3618 1535

  share tweet
  

• (716): View more from New York

  Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?

  Fav 7 3841 1237

  share tweet
  
• 

  21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body

  Read it at the TFLN blog
  

• (330): View more from Ohio

  What is this nonsense on the table

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  Your idea.

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out

  Fav 5 570 896

  share tweet
  

• (402): View more from Nebraska

  I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029

  Fav 7 617 1179

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (623): View more from Arizona

  How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?

  Fav 0 437 852

  share tweet
  

• (509): View more from Washington

  Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter

  Fav 1 656 383

  share tweet
  

• (850): View more from Florida

  There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.

  Fav 1 799 407

  share tweet
  
• 

  27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst

  Read it at the TFLN blog
  

• (518): View more from New York

  I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.

  Fav 1 193 300

  share tweet
  

• (720): View more from Colorado

  Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.

  Fav 3 713 203

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (727): View more from Florida

  What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?

  Fav 1 180 91

  share tweet
  

• (631): View more from New York

  Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.

  Fav 2 88 130

  share tweet
  

• (707): View more from California

  I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.

  Fav 2 251 75

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (601): View more from Mississippi

  sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night

  Fav 1 18 47

  share tweet
  

Randomize