then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
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I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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