Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
