For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
